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Oct. 22nd, 2003 | 10:52 am
mood: frustrated frustrated

It seems that me and my sister have exceded the limit of downloading alloud. It means that now we only get 75 minutes a day of the net till the end of the month (thats between the both of us too).


Oct. 22nd, 2003 | 06:49 am
mood: blank blank
music: Pearl Jam - Can't find a better man

Nothing much has changed. My Mum woke up last night at 4 am and went off her head at me for still being awake. Atleast she knows now that I CAN'T sleep. So maybe its a good thing. I might go out a bit later on. I don't know yet. No jobs were in the paper today. Well no ones that I could get. I called a bar school and think I might give that ago. Its a one week course. But fuck! I don't even know if I want to work in a bar.

yay for new friendships!

Oct. 21st, 2003 | 02:44 pm

I just spent about an hour on the phone to Trent. He is such an awesome person and I am so glad he was a mobile phone now. And I am really glad we are becoming good friends. Hes someone that I don't think would ever hurt me as a friend either. I am going to get to see him tommorow. Yayness.
On other news my computer keeps on disconnecting and its really pissing me off. I do think it has something to do with the modemn...like it keeps coming unplugged or something. These are the times when I wish someone in my family were actually good-with-computers.

Leave Me Alone

Sep. 26th, 2003 | 02:30 am
mood: determined determined
music: Stabbing Westward - Lost

Still dreaming of that face and its been so long and still won't leave my mind. Just like its engraved there permantly. Why won't these visions just go? I can't barely take it anymore. I want to get be normal and do normal things. But its always there, haunting me. Hurting me.

More depressing Stuff

Sep. 24th, 2003 | 02:58 pm
mood: distressed distressed
music: Jewel - Standing Still

Sometimes when fucked up things happen that are so unexpected it and it jerks you so hard to the floor I just sit and think: What is the point? Why should we do anything when we are just going to die? There is no guarantee that we aren't going to die tommorow. Why does bad luck struct so randomly? No one knows who is next? It could be them? It could be someone close to them who they love so much yet never got a chance to tell them so, and then if they did maybe all this shit wouldn't have happened. I remember the last time I saw him. I was on a train and I saw him with his new girlfriend. Do you know what I did? Because I was working and tired I didn't even get off the fucking train to say hi to him. I was to lazy to even lean out the door and yell out hello. Then I think if I did would we have had a conversation and then organized something to do that weekend and then would this all have happened if we had actually spoke about shit? I don't know and thats the bad thing. To everyone who is reading this: Never take people for granted, they could be gone tomorrow and even more important ALWAYS make time for people not matter how tired you are. You just don't know if they are still going to be there when you still have the time.


Sep. 14th, 2003 | 11:26 am
mood: cynical cynical
music: KoRn - Children of the koRn

Everythings falling down. It was like a drug, this hope was. A drug that kept me holding on. Just in touch with that knowledge that hes ok and I will see him soon. If only the knowledge was actually right. Now theres nothing. No present, no future. And the past.....well it will slowly fade away. Its just a memory and memorys like these stab me so ferioucly. They hurt to much. I want to do something but I am still unsure what. I am reaching out to you with my mind but I don't think you are feeling it anymore. I am here and where are you? Oh no, that thought makes me so depressed. So messed up. Even for you. Why do I have to cry so much. It feels like I have just taken a step back in time. Over and over again this feeling I am sure would have repeated time and time again. But still I feel so drained. Whats going to happen to us? Someone please tell me...

Not fair

Sep. 14th, 2003 | 10:04 am

When you have dreamed of something for so long then you know that it can just never happen. It goes straight into the wasted dreams bin with all the other non realistic thoughts, hopes and dreams. But what is realistic? Is what I think realistic different to the definition? I would think and hope so.
So I find out the news and it hurts so much. Just to think that that door that was once opened and so full of love slowly closed up and now its shut completely and can never be again, well not for a long time.
I used to think that one day everything would work out. You would change and maybe I would to and everything would be so perfect.
Then the news comes in and it shatters you so fast that all these broken dreams mixed with salty tears come crashing down and stabbing your heart because the reality is that all these childist hopes should have been killed the day we went our own way.
But where are all these thoughts going to go now? They aren't going to stop just because its over now.
And I think of you now and I am crying, crying so hard because lifes not fair and I don't know why you were chosen to live like this. Was this really on your path? Its just so despairing and why did we met and why is it that I was chosen to be crying at the thought of you now. Why! Why! Why! Why couldn't it be someone else and you got a nice life. There is so much pain. I don't know what to do because I don't want to get involved again but at the same time something deep inside me tells me that you would need me right now. Just for something to hold onto that isn't instituational. But what happened before this? Would you really want to hear from me again?
I used to imagine that one day we would see each other again and everything would be forgotten and we would fall into each others arms once more and everything would be so god damn perfect.
How are you ever going to survive emotionally? I have so much to tell you that I guess I better start writing......

Knowing People

Sep. 14th, 2003 | 09:59 am
mood: annoyed annoyed
music: Cradle of Filth - Twisted nails of faith

Your feelings can change so quickly. Well not feelings but how you look at people. I once thought I knew this person. Well probably more imagined that I knew this person well. Well I am close to them but he did something wrong which I don't even know if he knows was wrong to do. But all of a sudden what I thought of him and who I thought he was is all changing. He didn't do anything really bad he just went and opened his mouth about something that he shouldn't of to a lot of people. I don't know if its about trust or anything either because I did not ask this certain person to not say anything but I more just expected he wouldn't. And all it did was leave me feeling really low and like a complete fuck head.


Sep. 11th, 2003 | 12:51 pm

And I don't want to regret anything anymore but I just succeed to make to many bad choices and mistakes. I pretend to life live to the fullest and have no regret but the truth is that when it comes down to it there aren't too many things that I don't have guilt for. I think I am just to impulsive. I am selfish. I get an idea in my head. I don't think of the outcome. Its there and I am there. And its done. Over. Done with. And where does that leave me? Sitting here thinking 'Why the fuck did I do that for?' Thats not really you. But is it? Is that my true self? Its confusing, true? I think did you really need to do that? Most likely ruin everything again? One less of something? Or maybe it will help. Maybe I have done the right thing for once, but somehow, something deep down inside just laughs and tells me 'You are so wrong. That was so wrong.'

Leaving but not really

Sep. 11th, 2003 | 12:37 pm
mood: cynical cynical
music: Led Zepplin - Stair Way To Heaven

Its occured again. And I wish it wouldn’t. That sense. I just want to isolate myself from the whole atmosphere so there will be no more passion, emotion, feelings and mainly I won’t have to express anything to humanity. I won’t have to try and be the person they all want me to be. It will all be over if only I could just lock myself up in some diamond shaped circle. Theres this girl and shes brought all the equipment she needs and shes building a whole new world and she wants me to go there. But she was only a dream and I never replied. I woke up a second to soon, but a second to late too. Always a second to late. People come and go. People stay and leave. They walk off just as quickly as they came. They leave in all detached ways, but at the same time they kind of never leave anyway. I spoke on her phone to Candy last night. I hadn’t seen her for a long time. She made me smile. I love Candy. She is gone but she never left.